Simon Says – How to Hate Matthew McConaughey in 10 Ways
by Simon St. James
Have you ever seen anything more douchey –
…in your entire life? –
Originally, I was going to have a Top 10 list. I was going to count down the top 10 most terrible Matthew McConaughey movies. But then I realized I couldn’t really do that, could I? It was like picking between strains of the ebola virus. Like picking the mixture in your lethal injection cocktail. Like picking which building to jump off of.
So as it came down to a 10-way tie for first place, I decided to just list them. Believe me, if I had more room I would have included Surfer Dude (a movie so bad I actually feel sorry for it) and We Are Marshall (in which he spends most of the movie looking morose and despondent, which I actually kind of liked.)
The Worst Of Matthew McConaughey
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days — How do you make a shitty McConaughey rom-com ever worse?PUT KATE HUDSON IN IT.
Contact – If you need an intellectual man of the cloth, who else could you possibly pick but McConaughey?
EdTV – I had a nightmare once that I went to Hell, and Hell consisted of demons forcing the soulso f the damned to watched Matthew McConaughey’s life all day and all night for all of eternity. I woke up bathed in cold sweat, and clutching a rosary. The next day EdTV was released, and I thought it was a sign of my impending death. Unfortunately, that was not to be.
Failure to Launch – How do you make a shitty McConaughey rom-com ever worse? PUT SARAH JESSICA PARKER IN IT.
Fools Gold – It’s the movie equivalent of waterboarding. Ten minutes in I would have confessed to anything the torturers asked me.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past – Rumor has it that the producers were courting a wooden post for the lead in this movie. Negotiations with the post’s agent fell through, and the role went to McConaughey. Although fate has a way of working out, and that wooden post went on to secure the lead in the little movie called Avatar.
Reign of Fire – McConaughey fights dragons, in a post-apocalyptic world overrun with dragons. No acerbic barbs could ridicule the movie any more deeply than its own plot synopsis.
Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre – He made this movie very early in his career, and its interesting in that in his over the top, rabid performance, he demonstrates how very untalented he is. Historical sidenote , this film also exposed Rene Zelwegger as having the charisma of a glass of milk. No one saw the film, so no one recognized the signs until it was too late, and they were superstars.
Sahara – He’s shirtless, in the desert, listening to classic 70s rock with Steve Zahn’s beard. If they threw in some bong loads and a set of bongo drums it would be like a typical McCongaughey Christmas party.
Wedding Planner — How do you make a shitty McConaughey rom-com ever worse? PUT JENNIFER LOPEZ IN IT.