Simon Says – SPOILERS
By Simon St James
You know what I love to do more than anything? Ruin the endings of stupid movies that I hate for other people, so they no longer have a reason to watch them. I’m sure it doesn’t keep Michael Bay or Jon Favreau up at night, but it gives me a small sense of satisfaction nonetheless.
Here is a list of some hot new DVDs that I hate and hope to ruin for you. You’re welcome.
Unknown – Before he bumped his head and became a nice guy, Liam Neeson was a professional assassin. Just like Jason Bourne, only older. And lamer.
Battle: Los Angeles – Humans win, aliens lose. Shocking, I know.
Season of the Witch – The witch isn’t really a witch at all, it’s a CGI demon that stands on the ceiling and looks shitty. Nicholas Cage dies, giving me at least one part of the movie to like.
Red Riding Hood – Billy Burke is the werewolf. Alas, he doesn’t bite off Amanda Seyfried’s creepy face.
The Mechanic – Gayson Statham kills a father and son and somehow feels justified about himself.
Just Go with It – I assume Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston get married and live happily ever after, but I started bleeding from the eyes halfway through.
Hobo with a Shotgun – The Hobo kills a bunch of bad guys with his shotgun, then dies.
Drive Angry – Nicholas Cage kills Billy Burke, in an epic confrontation of bad actors from other bad movies on this list, and then drives back to crappy CGI hell.
No Strings Attached – Natalie Portman stabs Ashton Kutcher to death with a piece of mirror, helps Thor get back to Asgard, and then dies giving birth to Luke Skywalker. Trippy movie.
Hall Pass – Remember how I said Just Go with It made my eyes bleed? Good times. Because compared to Hall Pass, that movie was freakin’ Chicago. Yes, its that bad.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 – Voldemort gets a new wand.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – Voldemort doesn’t like his new wand and tries to return it, but the clerk only offers him store credit. At the end, he breaks down recalling the tragic events of his youth when his Uncle Andre got too tough playing “got your nose.”